Daniel's Blog

Victor, the Moron-ator

Posted by Daniel Lyons Thu, 08 Jul 2004 08:31:29 GMT

I got this email from a moron named Victor “The Liberator.” Apparently, that wonderful used car salesman slash pothead Ed Berndt got high with this guy, and now I have to deal with the consequences. I’m not really willing to give this guy webspace, but since yesterday was a slow day, I’ll give you guys the email instead of real content.

From: joe mama
Date: Mon, 05 Jul 2004 02:44:26 +0800
Subject: Hello, Ed in Socorro, NM referred me to your site.

He never gave me his last name. The synchronicity of our meeting was quite magical, it being the eve of Independance Day. He’s got a girlfriend named Lily(lovebee243@hotmail.com). I told Ed my story and he agrees with me everyone needs to read it and linked me to you. Let’s see what happens.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Victor Antonio. I am 26. I am from San Antonio, TX. I am a long-distance walker/journalist. That’s what I like to call myself. See, with the Internet I have discovered a way to fight the world’s greatest problem. What would you say that is? I say it’s ignorance. Root of all problems, if you ask me. Nobody listens. We are stuck. The technology is here, we already know better…but we are still killing the world.

You are going to think I’m crazy, just like I want you to. With the Internet I am going to eliminate money, make everything free, prove that it’s human-nature to be generous and bring world peace. I am going to get rid of cars in big cities, make everybody healthy and heightweight proportionate and save the ozone layer. AND, I am going to get marijuana legalized and chill everybody out. I’ve go it ALL figured out.

Now, I will tell you exactly how I plan to do this IF you are willing to listen, and only then. I hate wasting my time.

What are some problems you run across when you have a new idea and are trying to get it out? Well, for one, if you’re telling your ideas orally, by mouth you sometimes run into the problem of not remembering the whole story, so you’re not as effective as you want. Because no one is perfect.

Second, mainly you have ignorance. People are too set in their old-fashioned, lazy ways, deathly afraid of change. They won’t even listen to you. They think you’re crazy.

I have found a way to jump both of those hurdles, with the Internet.

What I will do is run an FTP server off my computer, giving anyone in the world access to my hard drive. Only the files and directories I want them to access. Now, on my hard drive I will have a directory with all my ideas. Just plain, simple text files that anyone can read with any web browser. Simple webpage, text, no graphics. This way people can read my stuff UNCENSORED, first off. At their discretion, they can finish it when they want to. But every single time the whole story will be told.

It just seems to me that’s what the Internet is for. It’s a global-medium. It’s NOT part of the system.

Now, let me tell you what I am basing all this freedom on. The pirated-software scene on the Internet where everything is free already and has been since the birth of the Internet. You can download new movies, still in theaters and watch them at home for free. Any music or video game you want, you don’t have to pay for it. Hell, I even had Windows XP months before it was even released.

It is an accepted-underworld. Companies will spend more money tracing and litigating each person doing it, than they are already making from all the suckers paying for it anyway. It’s not cost-effective to them. They simply ignore it. It’s like alcohol in the 20’s. It’s just way too widespread to control.

So what I’m gonna do…is just tell everybody. I’ll massmail detailed instructions on how to get free stuff off the Internet, so everybody stops paying for stuff and we HAVE to get rid of money.

It’s simple evolution. What bigger sign do we need? There’s a way to get things, not pay for it AND get away with it, that anyone can do. It’s the next step.

Now, wouldn’t you work for free if all your needs were taken care of and you didn’t have any bills? So you wouldn’t be bored at home all day. Provided you had a job you enjoyed. If everyone else was doing that, what would we need money for? It is the root of all evil, just as it’s always been said. Just think, if things didn’t possess a monetary-value, would people steal? And if they did, the stuff stolen could be replaced easily if everything was free.

I say everyone just keep their same job, as long as they like doing it. Just do it for free. It all comes back to you. Then people say, “What about all the jobs people don’t like doing like garbageman or sanitation worker?” Well, after eliminating money, when those jobs don’t get done, the demand for them will increase and nice, generous people will do them. Just because they need to be done. It’s simple supply and demand. In the end, we would just stop doing things we don’t need to.

As far as cars go. I think the end of this world is going to come, not when Jesus comes back or anything like that. But when that invisible ozone layer that’s up in the sky, that is there to protect us from all the cancer-causing rays of the sun, is there no longer. People will drop like flies from skin-cancer and it will all because of our modern invention, the internal-combustion engine. Cars. They are death machines. We have two legs for a reason and it’s not to push the gas and the brake. I haven’t been sick in four years since my car broke down and I started walking and riding the bus. It’s the secret to life. If you take care of the body, it takes care of itself. Cars have made everybody lazy, impatient and overweight. Walking and riding the bus will teach you patience and delayed-gratification. Why do we want what we don’t need?

As far as marijuana goes. Is it just a coincidence that two, naturally-occurring things in this world, humans and marijuana have a certain reaction when you put them together? Is it just a coincidence we have THC receptors in our brains? It is here for us to use in moderation and responsibly, like everything else. I mean, how can alcohol be legal? Oh yeah, it makes tons of money.

Now, what do you think would happen if all the world leaders got together and smoked some weed? Hey, they didn’t call them peace pipes for nothing.

Marijuana will always be readily-available, no matter the bullshit laws. Do you know why? Because you can’t stop life! So the government turns it into a money-making drug and brainwashes everyone into thinking it is too. How can anyone trust the government when it is blatantly killing the world?

Now that you are aware of my platform I can continue with the story and it will make sense. Actually, it’s more of a legend and IF you are still willing to listen.

Since I walk so much in San Antonio I have made myself as independant from money as possible. Anytime I get hungry I’ll walk into any restaurant in town and ask to speak to the manager. I tell them, “Hi, my name is Victor. I am a long-distance walker. I don’t suppose you would care to donate any gasoline for my stomach so I can keep on walking? Whatever you can spare. Hey, if it’s a big problem don’t worry about it. I’m sure the next place I walk by will be generous and help me out.” Dude, everybody hooks me up. Like 99% of places. Which just goes to prove that not only is it human-nature to be generous and we don’t need money to live, but also that there is an accepted-loss that every company figures into their finances every month, that makes it ok not to always charge for it. Money is just a game.

Now, I’m not a beggar. I am not a taker. When I give people the choice to tell me no, helping me out becomes THEIR decision. I am not twisting anybody’s arm. I am giving people the chance to feel good about themselves. How many people do you know who will do something for nothing. There IS an exchange taking place. Ask and thou shalt recieve, no? I am only practicing what I preach.

The only thing I beg for is to differ.

Do you have an email address? See, in my possession I have over 6,000 people’s email addresses. Over 6,000 people who will listen to every single word I say. I have every spammers dream come true. 100% readership. Everyone is going to open up my mail and click on the link to my webpage(when I get it up finally).

I am jumping the ignorance barrier.

Just let me tell you exactly what I am doing for world peace. Me and me alone. I have been logging my life on my minicassette recorder for 2 or 3 years now. Every detail. Whatever happens. Nothing but the truth. I am letting my book write itself. I have headphones and I type it all up. I transcribe it. I simply send an email to myself. Time-stamps and everything. I am literally an open book.

Now, don’t you think that the 100% true story of some guy who’s walking across the country telling every person he meets that he’s going to get marijuana legalized and bring world peace, and their reaction to that, the places he goes, the people who help him and prove him right, don’t you think that would be the most interesting story in the world? Don’t you think that would be an accurate state of the union? It will serve as proof, in black and white, that we don’t need money to live. I take pictures too(the smart man backs his shit up). I have over 2,000 so far. It will be the Victor Show. I am going to bring the truth out of hiding and educate the masses.

Let me tell you about my army. Don’t worry, it will be a peaceful revolution. I promise. It is my generation and younger, it’s all the kids, who don’t think I’m crazy and belong in a state hospital. With many exceptions. There are a lot of cool older people out there too. The way I see it, there’s more of us than there are of them. Global revolution. Kids against the parents. Let’s make things right before it’s too late.

It’s our world they’re destroying, damnit. Kids are the future. It’s evolution.

Now, remember my name is Victor Antonio from San Antono so when it happens, know who was responsible. Actually, I’m not stupid. I know world peace is going to have to be everybody’s fault. I will just be the catalyst.

Through word-of-mouth let it be known. The man who spends his life on a mission, he’s legendary. Traveling from coast to coast, I’m the contemporary Johnny Appleseed. I’m just making sure that my garden grows. I’ll plant the seed in every town I go.

That’s a NOFX song. I already have a soundtrack.

Now, I want you to do me a couple favors. I want you to one, I want you to think I am crazy. That’s the only thing that’s kept me from being assasinated so far because no one is taking me seriously. Two, I want you to doubt me, that I can do this. It will make my victory so much sweeter.

Do you ever tell the same story the same way every single time? I do. Like crazy. I have my own scripts. My rebuttals. People say I’m unoriginal or, “I’ve heard this one before.” Hell, they’re my scripts. If the words I choose to express myself does so exactly, why would I ever change it?” They evolve over time. I refine them. In the end the truth doesn’t change, neither does the past. I am just telling stories. I’m acting. I guess you can say it’s my own personal scripture.

I have come to realize that it is my persistant-consistency will ensure the success of this mission. I need to spread the same exact truth over and over until it happens. I have made myself into a self-programmed peace machine. Like I tell people, I have a full-time job. I don’t get days off. I am a self-employed long-distance walker. It pays great. It is my job to make humans elite. This species ain’t your fuckin’ industry. I am living proof we don’t need money to work. We don’t need money to help.

I realize I might even be assasinated for having these great ideas, but I take great comfort in knowing that if I am killed, not only would I die a martyr, because I’m not doing anything wrong, but also my mission will be accomplished even sooner. Imagine the publicity my death or dissapearance would bring. EVERYBODY would want to know what the guy who died for the world wrote. It would just blow the lid off it. One life to save billions. I would die one happy man. Like I say. I can’t, for the life of everybody, find anything better to do.

Ok, that’s a big chunk of my scripture. I have been saturating San Antonio with these scripts for over 3 years now. That’s all I do, tell my stories. I know San Antonio like the back of my hand. Every bus driver hears my story. Every pretty girl on the bus. Hell, even the ugly ones. I am the talk of the town. Legendary, even. Everybody recognizes me walking around with my rainbow beanie and walking stick. I will always return to San Antonio. It is my hometown, headquarters. There is no place like home. It’s where it all started. My middle name is Antonio. I am San Antonio.

Well, chew on that and if you are interested in getting my stories told, please let me know. That was just my platform. You ain’t seen nothing yet. Let me know if you want me to send you my story about how I took off walking to California from San Antonio and the magical things that happened to me. It’s my best legend so far. The one I tell everybody. People believe me.

Peace,

- Victor the Liberator

p.s. Any questions?

I think this might be the most pompous self-aggrandizing lunacy I’ve ever received. If only it were more fun to read, and it weren’t for that whole spam aspect, I might have given this twat a chance. Oh well.